Holding On & Letting Go
by regalfangirl
Summary: Emma and Regina set off on a car chase to catch Lily in the stolen bug. But as swift of a driver Emma thinks she is, it goes horribly wrong and soon they find themselves in a mess of crashed metal and blood. One is fighting for her life. One is fighting to keep the other alive.
1. Chapter 1

_**Once again - I apologize for what I've done. Don't ask me why I keep writing these things, because I honestly don't know. I guess it's just my thing. Now... As nearly all my fics, this has a special place in my heart, so if you would take the time to tell me what you think, that would mean the world to me. Your reviews always make me smile.**_

**_This fic takes place in an alternative version of the car chase we witnessed during the AMAZING SWANQUEEN ROAD TRIP WOW. The name was inspired by the song "Holding on and letting go" by Ross Copperman (credit to my music obsessed girlfriend, thank you). I recommend listening to this painful piece of music while you read, just to make it worse. Much love to anyone who reads this. You're a star. XO_**

* * *

_**"It's everything you wanted, it's everything you don't**_  
_**It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed**_  
_**Some prayers find an answer**_  
_**Some prayers never know**_  
_**We're holding on and letting go**_

_**Sometimes we're holding angels**_  
_**And we never even know**_  
_**Don't know if we'll make it, **_  
_**But we know,**_  
_**We just can't let it show"**_

* * *

Regina gripped the car door tightly as Emma drove over all speed restrictions, the old wreck rattling in protest. The blonde had a dead, cold look in her eyes, her features folded in anger as she raced after Lily in the stolen bug. Regina watched Emma from the corner of her eye. She was scared. Not scared for her own life, but for Emma's. She saw how darkness was creeping up on Emma beyond her control, and no matter how hard the blonde tried to deny it by brushing it off with sarcastic jokes, Regina knew it was there. And she knew Emma was scared just as well, but given her nature of always looking strong and never showing any signs of vulnerability, she had chosen to put up her old, stone hard façade, keeping Regina from helping her, even if she needed her help desperately.

"She's doing it again, Regina. Every time I let Lily in, she rips apart my life. Now she's going after my parents, I have to stop her."

"You will, but you can't go in with a head of steam, you'll end up doing something you regret!"

"Really? Tell me your majesty, what are your plans for Zelena? A nice chat over tea?"

"That's different."

"_How? _Zelena lays a hand on Robin Hood and you'll destroy her, right? So I'll do the same thing to Lily."

"Careful Emma, you're starting to sound like…"

"What? A villain? This is the real world, Regina; there are no heroes and villains, just real people with real problems. So if you're gonna try to stop me, you can find your own way back to New York."

Regina turned her head slowly to look at Emma with wide eyes. That hurt. Probably more than Emma thought it did. The blonde didn't bat an eye. She didn't turn her head, she didn't say she was sorry or that she knew she was out of line. Regina looked down in her lap, choosing to keep quiet. How was she ever going to tell Emma what the real reason for this whole road trip was? She'd tried multiple times during the seven hour long drive, but every time she opened her mouth, Emma shut her down, refusing to talk. She was caught up in her own pain, Regina knew that, but all she wanted was for Emma to know the truth. Maybe it would change something… just maybe. Regina knew she was fooling herself for thinking so, though. She was certain that what she wanted to tell Emma would be unrequited. But even still, a little part of her had hope. Those damn Charmings had rubbed off on her.

Regina looked up to see the tail of the yellow bug straight ahead.

"There she is!" the brunette exclaimed.

Emma stepped on the gas, her headlights soon kissing the tail of the bug. She was close, terribly close, and Regina could see Lily looking frantically in the rear view mirror. Suddenly, Emma pulled the wheel, and the car sped up on the side of the bug, as the blonde tried to get in front. But as soon as she neared her goal, Lily swerved the bug to the side in one swift move, forcing Emma to yield.

"Swan, watch it!"

Regina was getting scared now. Really scared. Her heart was beating rapidly, and she felt a terrible urge to grab Emma's hand, none of which she'd ever admit out loud. This could end badly, horribly, but Emma seemed too lost in anger to think clearly.

"Emma…"

"Shut up, Regina. I have it under control."

Emma stepped further on the gas and gave it one more try on the side of the bug. She managed to almost pass it completely, but the old wreck wasn't fast enough, even if it was only racing the bug. Regina saw how Emma's mind was racing for a way out of the situation, and as if able to read the blonde's mind, something cold ran down her spine.

"Emma, no!"

But it was too late. Emma spun the car around 180 degrees, and as swiftly as she'd hoped that would go, instead the two cars collided with an ear-numbing sound and suddenly everything was black.

* * *

Regina's head was throbbing, and every sound felt wooly, like she was under water. Her eyes were closed, but still everything was spinning. She didn't dare to open them just yet. The air was thick with the mingled smell of gas, smoke, and… blood. So much blood. She could almost taste the distinguished metallic liquid, the smell itself playing on her taste buds, making her stomach roll over. She bit down on her guts even if it burned in her throat.

Slowly, she flickered her eyelids, adjusting to all the images that were thrown back at her as she opened her eyes. She gasped in an almost sob, and winced as she noticed the blinding pain the action caused. Her ribs where broken. How many, she didn't know, but definitely enough for her to see prickling dots of light before her eyes. She felt how cold sweat started to run down her spine from every breath she took. She tried to breathe as carefully as she could, but the lack of oxygen made her light-headed.

Regina tried to examine the situation she was in. First, her injuries. Aside from the ribs, her right arm was broken and judging from the throbbing of her head and the warm, uncomfortable stickiness of her hair, she had a head wound. But that wasn't the main problem. She had gasped before for one reason only.

Emma wasn't in the car.

The windshield was broken, shattered glass spread all over the interior of the car. Emma had been flung out of the window. Regina felt herself panic, her sudden rapid breathing sending numbing pain up and down her spine. Where was she? How bad was she hurt? Regina tried squinting in front of her to see, but the sun was long gone and everything was dark. She was shivering now, from pain or panic, she didn't know.

Didn't she have a flashlight on her phone? She tried to reach into her back pocket with as little movement as possible, but still she cried out as her ribs protested.

"_Fuck."_

She hissed between gritted teeth as she finally reached her phone, sweat dripping from her forehead. She gulped hard as she found the flashlight feature. As soon as the faint light turned on, she saw her.

"Emma!"

Regina jumped to get out of the car without thinking, and as she did, something ripped at her legs and she was pulled back. She cried out in agony and screamed, trying to control the amount of pain her body was overwhelmed by. She kept screaming until it died down enough for her to see clearly again. She looked down at her legs. She was stuck. She only realized it now, but she was stuck. The car had crumbled so badly from the crash that her legs were caught in between the sharp metal. When she had tried to move, the edges had made several deep scratches in her legs and she was now bleeding. As this realization crashed down around her, only one thought was dominating the screaming in her head. She couldn't get to Emma.

Regina held a hand to her throbbing torso as she shone her light out on the street again. Emma was lying on her back in the middle of the street, not moving. Regina looked over her body and nearly gagged. Blood. Emma's legs had been torn open by the glass from the window, chunks of it still sticking out of her flesh. She was already lying in a puddle of her own blood. Her face was scraped, and her golden locks were a nauseating color of dark pink. All that blood. Regina suddenly noticed the hot tears streaming down her face.

"Emma?" she almost whispered. It hurt to talk. But she had to. She had to see if Emma was still… if she was…

"Emma? Emma, can you hear me?"

No reaction.

Regina felt her heartbeat race.

"Emma! Emma, please. Answer me. Emma. Emma can you hear me?" She was nearly yelling now, and with every word, her eyes were blinded by the white light of pain.

She heard a faint grunt.

"EMMA!"

Emma turned her head slowly towards Regina but her eyes were closed.

"I… I can hear you."

Her voice was raspy, almost inaudible, but Regina heard her as clear as anything, and she nearly laughed with relief, her tears falling anew.

"Emma… how… how are you feeling?"

Regina rolled her eyes at her own question.

"Better than," she took a shaky breath, "ever."

Regina snorted and then winced.

"I mean… where does it hurt?"

Emma looked deep in thought for a moment.

"Nowhere."

Regina swallowed thickly, her eyes widening.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Yes I'm… I'm sure."

Regina couldn't comprehend this. She only knew it was bad. Really bad.

"I can't…"

Regina was paying such careful attention to what Emma was saying that it felt like she was straining her ears.

"I can't feel my legs."

Regina's breath caught in her throat and she shivered.

"What?" she whispered.

"My legs. I can't feel them."

Regina's heart was pounding so loudly in her ears that she felt dizzy. She didn't know what to do. She couldn't move. She couldn't get to Emma. She couldn't help her. All her pain made her so angry she punched her hand against the dashboard, wincing as she did but she didn't care. She started crying furiously, pulling at the door, trying to pull apart the claws of metal that had hooked themselves into her legs. Every time she moved, everything hurt, her head spun around, her eyes fogging over, and she felt like she was going to pass out from the pain, but she didn't care. She had to get out. She couldn't be stuck in this fucking car, while right in front of her Emma was… She was. Dying.

Emma was not going to die. No. Regina was not going to helplessly sit by and watch her die right in front of her eyes. She took a deep, shaking breath and closed her eyes, wrapping her arms around her torso as she braced herself for what she knew she was going to feel. And then she banged her shoulder against the car door.

Her cry was heart wrenching and she fell forward as her head was suddenly too heavy for her to carry. Her stomach rolled over and she was powerless to stop it. She emptied her gut all over her legs and it stung in her wounds. Three times did her stomach flip before she stumbled back in her seat, drenched in sweat and vomit.

"Regina…"

Emma's hoarse voice suddenly spoke up from the darkness.

"Regina, stop it. It's no use."

Regina whipped up her head.

"I can't just sit here, Emma! I have to help you, I have to, get out, somehow, and I -"

"Regina."

"No, Emma! For once will you just accept my god damn help and stop being such a bratty teenager. You can't do everything yourself, no one can, and you need my help so just keep quiet and let me help you!"

Emma was quiet for a moment, the only sound Regina's hurried breathing.

"Okay."

Regina raised her eyebrows.

"What?"

"Okay. I'll…let you help me. But you…. You can't get out of… the car… w-without hurting yourself. So please, stop."

Regina could tell how it was a struggle for Emma to speak. Her loss of blood was getting to her.

"Just… call an ambulance."

Regina mentally slapped herself. An ambulance. Of course. Why in the world had that not been her first thought, instead of this moronic and pathetic attempt to get out of the car.

She picked up her phone, flashlight still shining and dialed the number everyone wishes they'll never have to dial.

_911, what's your emergency?_

Regina tried to clear her head and ready herself to answer the following questions, but she was so overwhelmed by anger and pain and panic that it was easier said than done.

"There's been a car crash."

_What is your location?_

"I don't know. Somewhere outside of New York."

_We picked up your signal. Is your current location where emergency help is needed?_

"Yes, yes of course it is."

_An ambulance is on its way. How many victims and what are their ages?_

This was the first time Lily entered Regina's mind. Her head whipped to the crumbled bug close to her. She held out her phone to shine some light on it and nearly dropped it when she caught sight of Lily. She'd been pierced.

"Three. One dead. One is me. All in our thirties," she said and swallowed thickly against her nausea.

_Is the other victim conscious?_

Regina felt her throat tighten as she looked at Emma.

"Barely. She's lost a lot of blood."

_I'm going to need you to check her breathing for me._

"I can't."

Regina closed her eyes, willing herself to keep from crying.

_Ma'am, it's important that I have all the information I can get, so I can pass it on to the paramedics. Please check the victim's breathing for me._

"Did you not hear what I just said? I can't! I'm stuck in the car, wrenched between the wreckage. I can't get to her. I can't help her so just get your damn ambulance over here and help her before she dies! She can't die! Do you hear me? She's not dying!"

_Ma'am I realize you're in a stressed situation, but you'll have to stay calm._

"You stay fucking calm! Her legs were ripped open by glass as she got flung out of the car, and she can barely speak, she's dying. Please, just come help her."

_Help is on the way ma'am. What is your own condition?_

"I'm fine. Don't worry about me."

_You'll have to tell me so I can-_

"I said I'm fine! She's the one you have to focus on, so just _get over here _and _save _her."

_The ambulance will be there as soon as possible, but your location is quite far from the nearest hospital. If you cannot reach her, talk to her. The most important thing is that she stays awake._

"Okay, fine. Yes I will."

Regina hung up the phone and banged her fist against the dashboard once more. She looked over at Emma. Her eyes were closed again.

"Emma! Emma, listen to me."

"What?" Emma's voice was getting weaker.

"Help is on the way, Emma. They're coming as fast as possible. Just hang in there. Please."

"I'm… trying."

Regina had to smile warmly at that, even if the dried up trails of tears on her cheeks were now wet again.

"I know you are."

"I'm so cold, Regina."

Regina bit down on her bottom lip to keep from sobbing audibly.

"Just… imagine… imagine my arms around you. I'll keep you warm."

"What?" The confusion in Emma's voice was evident even as her voice was weak. She opened her eyes all the way to look at Regina, her features puzzled.

"I… I mean…"

Regina didn't know how to continue. After all the times she'd try to tell Emma, now she felt like she'd lost her voice. She just looked at the blonde through the blur of her tears. But if Emma was… then she had to tell her.

"Regina…"

"Yes, Emma?"

"I…"

Silence.

"What is it, Emma?"

She watched as Emma gulped. Suddenly, the blonde lifted both her arms and placed her hands firmly on the ground. When she tried to push herself upwards, she cried out in agony.

"No, Emma! No, Emma don't try to move. Stay there. They're coming for us, they are, just stay there and hold on."

"But…"

"No, no buts. Just do as I say."

Silence.

A lot of deafening silence. Regina never took her eyes off Emma. At one point, Emma locked eyes with the brunette, and they didn't break eye contact for several minutes. Not until Emma shivered violently and had to close her eyes.

"Emma, what's happening?" Regina's voice was dripping with concern and panic.

Emma clutched at her heart and wrapped her arms around her torso. Regina watched as tears started streaming down the sides of Emma's face, mingling with the dried up blood.

"I'm dying."

Regina shivered as her insides flipped.

"No."

"Regina…"

"No, Emma. Do you hear me? You're not dying."

"Regina listen..."

"NO! You listen! You're not allowed to die."

"Regina, it's not like I can-"

"I can't live without you, okay? I can't. So you're not dying. That's the end of it."

"W-what?" Emma's voice shook, but not from her physical condition and the fact that she was indeed dying.

"Nothing." Regina looked down, finally breaking eye contact with Emma again.

"Regina, what is it you're hiding from me?"

"It can wait. Because you're not dying."

Emma took a deep breath. Regina noticed how her lips were turning blue. She looked so pale.

"Regina… Let me speak for a second… okay? Without you interrupting me."

Regina puffed out a breath.

"Fine."

Emma tried to clear her throat, trying to gather the strength she would need to speak.

"I always hated when people in movies said they were dying. Cause I thought, how the hell would you even know? But you do know, Regina. You know because you can feel how… how your soul is slowly losing its grip on you. It's not just the physical things you feel. Like my heartbeat has been slowing down steadily. And how I'm so cold. A new version of cold. It's like I'm cold from the inside out. But mostly, I can feel how me, who I am, I'm losing my place in this world. I'm slipping away. And I need you to listen to me, to understand me, because I'm scared Regina. I'm so scared. I don't want to die. I don't want to leave Henry. Or my parents. I haven't said all the things I wanted to say, done all the things I wanted to do. But the fact is I'm dying. And I… I need you. I need you to get me through this. So will you, please? Help me."

Regina was sobbing by now, loud and unsteadily, and even though it hurt, she couldn't stop. She was shivering violently, and several times she coughed because she was choking on her own air. Emma was gasping for air herself, her speech too much for her. She closed her eyes briefly.

"No, Emma, stay with me. Don't close your eyes. I'll help you, okay? But only if you promise to hold on for as long as possible. Please. For me."

Emma nodded and opened her eyes. Regina smiled warmly at her. She thought about what to say. She knew what she wanted to say, and what she probably should say, but she didn't know how to start…

"Remember the first time we met?" Regina said and chuckled silently. Emma did the same.

"Yeah. You weren't exactly… welcoming."

"That's an understatement."

Both women laughed, only to wince and cough afterwards.

"I was so… _Angry. _And scared. I was so scared that you were going to take Henry away from me. I was scared of losing the only happiness I'd had in decades."

"But I wasn't going to take him."

"I know that now. I've known that for a long time. The truth is, I knew it not long after you first arrived in Storybrooke. But then, I was angry for a different reason."

"What reason?"

Regina smirked.

"I started to like you, Swan."

Emma laughed hoarsely.

"I can imagine how upsetting that must have been for you."

"Shut up," Regina said playfully, the two of them looking at each other, exchanging smiles. She shook her head.

"Anyway… My point is that. I… I… I've been meaning to tell you this for a long time, but… things just got in the way."

"Tell me what?"

Regina locked eyes with Emma, her expression both vulnerable and regretful.

"Why do you think I asked you on this road trip? Why do you think I always tell off the pirate? Why do you think I gave you those happy memories back when you left town with Henry? Why do you think I've done all the things I have for you? To keep you safe?"

"I… I don't know," Emma blinked, her expression unreadable to Regina.

"You really don't know?"

"Maybe I do…"

"I think you do."

Silence fell upon them again, but they didn't break eye contact. Emma opened her mouth a few times as if to speak, but it seemed like she had trouble finding the right words.

"Do you love me?"

Emma's question sucked the air out of Regina's lungs.

"Yes," she whispered as tears started streaming down her face in silence.

Emma nodded but her expression remained unreadable. Regina's bottom lip trembled. She didn't know what to say now. She looked away, unable to look into Emma's eyes anymore. She watched as her tears dripped down on her clothes. She had known this was how it would go. But even still, she felt her heart break. And it hurt. It hurt worse than any physical injury ever could. She started shaking again, unable to control her emotions. She was breathing heavily, trying to keep herself from sobbing too loudly. She wished she could have disappeared in that moment.

"I love you too."

Regina stiffened. She didn't move. She didn't look up. She didn't even breathe. She remained perfectly still, unable to believe what she had just heard.

"Regina, did you hear me?"

Regina was still unable to move. She simply sat there as her vision blurred in tears.

"Regina…"

"I heard you."

Finally she looked up, her expression blank.

"I love you, Regina. I've loved you for far longer than I want to admit. But I never wanted to say anything, because you seemed so hung up on Robin Hood… I didn't think… I mean why would you ever feel the same?"

Regina's voice was hoarse when she finally spoke up.

"Why would I not?"

She watched as Emma's features softened, the most beautiful of smiles spreading on her face as tears welled up in her eyes. Neither one of them said anything. They didn't need to say anything else. They simply looked at each other, their eyes speaking volumes, much more than they could ever express in words.

Suddenly, Emma gasped and coughed harshly. Regina felt how panic took over her again, her heart leaping into her throat.

"Emma!"

Emma tried to steady her breathing, but it was shallow and too fast. She looked at Regina in pain.

"We don't have much time."

"No, Emma. Please."

"I'm sorry…"

"What? Emma no, don't be."

"This is all my fault. If I hadn't been so hot-headed, we wouldn't be in this situation."

"Emma stop, it's not important. What's important is that you stay with me, okay? Don't leave me."

Emma locked eyes with Regina.

"Promise me something?"

"Anything," Regina answered.

"Take care of Henry. Like you always have. But please, also of my parents. They'll need you."

"Emma, please…"

"But most importantly – take care of yourself. Move on. Live your life. You're an amazing woman, Regina. And you deserve so much."

"I can't live without you," Regina sobbed.

"You have to. If not for yourself, then for me. Please."

"Emma…"

Emma's head dropped, and her eyes flickered before she steadied herself again.

"Emma!"

"Regina…"

Emma's eyes fluttered shut again.

"Emma! Stay with me, please. Don't leave me. I love you. Do you hear me? This is not how it ends. We're going to have a life together. We're going to be fools, we're going to make mistakes and have fights, we're going to have PJ Sundays and root beer Mondays and I'll complain about your mess and you'll complain about my constant nagging. We'll raise Henry together, and maybe get another child. We'll get married. We'll grow old together and drink ice tea on the porch and we'll die together, in each other's arms, wrinkled and grey-haired way into the future. Please Emma, don't die. I need you. You're my happy ending. You and no one else."

Regina was yelling, screaming as she cried out to Emma. But Emma didn't answer.

"Emma! EMMA! No, no, no, Emma please."

Regina started moving around in her seat again, trying to get free from the car. She didn't register the sirens in the distance until she saw the flickers of blue light play in the darkness. She stopped.

"Emma! Emma look, they're here. They're here Emma, they're gonna help us. Please, Emma. Stay with me. I'm here. I'm right here. Stay with me."

Two ambulances and a police car came speeding up the road and stopped right beside the bug. Paramedics came streaming out of all the doors, some went to Emma and some to Regina, herself.

"No, help her, forget me, just help her, she's dying. Please, please she can't die."

"We have to get you loose, ma'am."

Within a few seconds, the paramedics had a couple of big metal cutting scissors and started working on the car. Every time they moved something, Regina winced, but she never took her eyes off Emma and what was going on around her. Paramedics were feeling her all over, checking for breathing, pulse. Regina watched as one of them raised his head and shook it slowly.

"NO!" Regina screamed and started moving, "No, no, no."

"Ma'am you have to sit still."

"No, I have to get to her you imbecile!"

One final cut of the scissors and the paramedics pulled the wreckage out of Regina's legs, causing her to cry out. She closed her eyes briefly, but quickly stumbled out of the car and landed on her knees on the road. Before the paramedics could stop her, she was on the run towards Emma. She was limping, crying with every step that she took, but she had to get to her. She had to keep her alive. As she reached Emma, she fell to her knees, ignoring the pain she felt everywhere.

"Emma. Emma, it's me. Look at me, please. I'm right here."

"Ma'am, I'm afraid…"

"No! You don't get to say that. She's not. She can't be."

Without thinking, Regina cupped both Emma's pale cheeks in her hands and raised her head to crash their lips together. Emma tasted like blood and tears but Regina didn't care. It had to work. She pulled away just enough to look at Emma's face. Her eyes were still closed. It didn't work. This was a land without magic. The real world. Without heroes or villains… or happy endings.

"Emma! How dare you do this to me? Don't leave. You can't leave. No. You're not gone.

"Would someone get her away from the body and into the ambulance please?"

"She is _not_ a body!" Regina raised her head to look at the asshole who had spoken, "She's a woman. A very special one. She's the love of my life and I'm meant to spend it with her, alive. This can't be happening… Emma, please."

A female paramedic came to Regina's side and put a hand on her shoulder.

"I know this is hard, but… she's gone. There's nothing we can do. She's lost too much blood."

Regina's eyes remained on Emma's face, desperately wishing for those beautiful emerald eyes to open. But they didn't. And they wouldn't.

"We need to get you to the hospital."

"I'm not leaving her," Regina was holding on to Emma's hands, refusing to let go.

The paramedic sighed.

"Would someone please get both of them into the ambulance?"

A stretcher was pulled up beside them.

"Ma'am? You have to let go of her so we can lift her."

"No."

"Alright then…"

Two men grabbed Emma and lifted her onto the stretcher, Regina rising from the ground as they did. She never took her eyes off her oddly peaceful face. Once they had placed her correctly, Regina placed the hand of her good arm on the stretcher and attempted to lift herself onto it but she was stopped by the paramedics.

"I'm afraid we can't let you do that."

"The love of my life is dead. I'm going to lay on this with her, and you cannot stop me."

They all stepped back and watched as Regina lifted herself with great struggle. She curled up on Emma's side, placed her head on her shoulder, and took her hands.

"I'm not letting you go. We'll be together again, you'll see. I'll find you. No matter how many places, how many life times I'll have to look, I'll find you. You're my happy ending. If not in this life, then in the next. I promise you."

As the paramedics wheeled them into the ambulance, Regina closed her eyes and started to imagine. Imagine that they were lying in their bed, in her mansion. It was warm, and it smelled like the bath they had just taken together. She felt Emma's heartbeat, heard her breathing. She imagined them going off to sleep like any other couple after the hard day of work they'd had. And tomorrow, they'd wake up to a new day with new opportunities and new memories to be made. She squeezed Emma's hands tightly as a single tear fell from the corner of her eye.

"Good night, Emma. I'll see you."


	2. Chapter 2

_** HOLDING ON &amp; LETTING GO - THE SEQUEL**_

_**A/N: Hello again beautiful people! I know, I know, what's this update doing here... Well, several of you have asked me to make a sequel to this story, and at first I was not very keen on the idea, but we all know I can't keep my hands off the painful stuff so one day inspiration struck and well... Now I'm over twenty pages in on this supposed "short" sequel and I'm not done yet. SO, this is NOT going to be a full length chapter story - I'm going to start posting some chapters because this whole thing would simply be too long in one, but once I reach the end that's it. This is mainly going to be the first days after Emma's death, and how Regina is dealing (or not dealing...) with that loss. It won't be fun and it won't be pretty. I've tried to keep some integrity to Regina's character, while also breaking her into a million and one pieces because well she's lost love - again. Anyway, without further ado, here's the first chapter of the rather lengthy sequel to "Holding On &amp; Letting Go".**_

* * *

Regina hadn't said a word since the ambulance had left the scene. The paramedics had injected her with some drug to keep her calm, and by the time they made it to the nearest hospital in New York, Regina was lying as still as Emma, clinging to the blonde's t-shirt. The paramedics had all but clawed her away to take her into the ER. She'd watched numbly as they rolled Emma and Lily off to the morgue, where they would keep them overnight, until they'd return all women to Storybrooke. They had carried her in and patched her up. She hadn't paid much attention to what they were doing or how much it hurt. No pain was greater than the one in her chest, currently stored away beneath the foggy haze of whatever they had given her. She knew it would explode and devour her as soon as the drugs wore off, and she was trying to prepare herself for what was to come, but she found herself unable to focus on anything but that one brown spot on the scrutinizingly white wall. She had stared it down since they'd placed her in what was to be her room for the night.

Regina took a moment to take in her injuries. Her right arm was in a cast slung around her neck. Both her legs were engulfed in layers of bandages, making them stiff and hard to move. She knew she would have horrible scars for the rest of her life, but she was too tired to care. She lifted her good arm to feel the rough patch on her scalp. They'd shaved her hair to stitch the wound. She wondered for a quick moment if it was possible to sue the hospital for that, but her momentary rage quickly vanished again. Instead she lifted up her shirt to find her chest packed up like her legs, only in a thicker material more like the cast on her arm.

She leaned back in the too soft bed. She didn't have the energy or the mind to process anything. She wondered if this was what they called shock. Maybe it wasn't the drug after all.

A nurse scurried into her room with a smile too big for her face, holding a tray out in front of her.

"Evening, Miss Mills."

She rolled the table beside Regina's bed closer and placed the tray on top of it.

"I brought you some light foods from the cafeteria. And your medication," she lifted a glass of multicolored pills and shook it lightly, indicating for Regina to take it.

Regina stared at her emotionless.

The nurse squirmed slightly, but held out the glass closer to Regina and smiled.

"You have to take your medication, Miss Mills. It will help with the pain."

"Which pain?" Regina spoke up, surprising even herself.

The nurse looked at her with furrowed brows.

"I'm not sure I'm following…"

Regina sighed and waved a hand dismissingly.

"I don't want anymore drugs."

"Miss Mills, this is for your own go-"

"I said I don't want them!"

The nurse jumped at Regina's outburst and put down the glass before heading towards the door.

"Very well then. I'll get the doctor."

Regina didn't respond.

Once the nurse had closed the door behind her, Regina breathed out slowly, a breath she didn't know she'd been holding. The drugs were already wearing off, she could tell by the way her chest was starting to clench in a way that made her insides burn.

She looked into the flickering night lights of New York City outside her window. She tried to steady her breathing that was becoming uneven and shallow. Her hands were trembling slightly and she balled them into fists to make them stop. Memories of the night started rushing back to her in a blur. The car chase. The look in Emma's eyes. The crash. Blood. So much blood. And Emma. Emma was… she was. Regina pressed her fists against her eyes to stop the burning of unshed tears, but she was shaking too much, feeling too much, all at once. It came crashing into her with such force that the air was pushed out of her lungs and she gasped as she felt her heart crack anew.

Emma was gone.

By the time the doctor entered the room, Regina was hugging her knees tight to her chest, using all her remaining energy to keep from crying. When a heavy and clammy hand was placed on her shoulder, she jumped to the side and all but barked at the doctor like an animal.

Emma was gone.

"Miss Mills…"

"No!"

Emma was gone.

"Miss Mills, it's required that you keep taking this medication until…"

"NO! No, no, no, no, no!"

Regina slammed her good hand against the man's chest, trying to push him away from her but her strength was all but nonexistent.

Emma was gone.

The doctor tried to grab her hand, to calm her down, but she screamed and clawed at him, and when her nails made contact with his flesh, he threw his arms around her in a tight grip, making her wince from the pain everywhere.

"Give her the shot!" he yelled over the sound of Regina's animalistic screaming.

"She's gone!" Regina felt a sob deep enough to drown her as it rose in her chest and spilled everywhere, in every fiber of her body she felt the agony of her pulsating heart as it shook against it's own pieces. She trembled violently as she hyperventilated, her sobs catching in her throat as hot tears spilled down her cheeks and she continued screaming.

Several doctors and nurses came running into the room and they held her down and she screamed and they stuck a needle into one of her veins and she cried and she felt the fog taking over her all over again and she closed her eyes as they all let go of her and she was alone because Emma was gone.

Emma was gone.

* * *

Regina opened her eyes several hours later. It was in the middle of the night and everything was too dark and too cold. She listened after the sound of nurses approaching and looked out for the sight of white coats but no one was there. It was just her. Her and all her thoughts.

She licked her lips.

They were dry.

She turned her head and searched for a glass of water, but there was none.

She looked out of the window. The flickering lights were dancing across the surface of the glass, making it hard to distinguish where exactly they were coming from.

She breathed in through her nose.

There were almost no fragrances to catch, the sterilized atmosphere present even in the air, making it impossible for anyone to feel the slightest sense of home in this place. Maybe that was the point. If she'd been able to recall the smell of Henry's old bubble bath or Emma's hair or her apple turnover, the inner walls keeping her upright might have caved in on her.

She took another deep breath.

It was so sterile.

For a quick moment, she tried to imagine what it would smell like if Emma was lying next to her, but she pushed away the thought before it could drown her.

She couldn't afford to think about Emma. Not if she wanted to make it home in one piece.

But still her thoughts stayed with her. Emma was gone. She was gone for good. Not like when she fell through the magic portal. Even then, Regina had been able to feel her. She could feel that somewhere, somehow, Emma was still alive. But not this time. This time she felt nothing. In truth, she felt everything, so much, so deeply, so badly that sometimes even breathing seemed like a task too tough to master. But she felt nothing. That part inside of her that contained Emma, everything about the blonde, her voice, her smell, her eyes, her strength, every memory Regina had of her, it felt cold. Dead. She knew Emma was gone for good because that spark she had awoken inside of Regina all that time ago was no longer glowing. She'd lost the best part of herself. She'd lost Emma.

It seemed like every thought she had was about Emma, even though she tried to think about anything else but her. It had only been a few hours since she'd watched her die, but still it seemed like she'd been in this pain forever. Like all she knew was pain and more pain. Was it possible to feel so much that you became numb?

She swallowed. Her throat was dry. She blinked. Her eyes were dry. Why was everything so dry? Had she cried every last drop of fluid out of her? Was that even possible?

As she thought about this, she felt the same familiar urge to cry. Her throat tightened in that way that makes you question if you're going to choke and her eyes burned but nothing was happening. Maybe it really was possible.

She stared out of the window again.

She didn't know what to do with herself. How to sit, how to move. She didn't know exactly how she was even thinking. And she knew for sure that she couldn't sleep. So she just sat there. She sat there and stared. And thought. About everything and nothing. She watched as the colors outside her window changed, how everything went from black to dark blue to glowing nuances of yellow and pink to nothing but a bright light in the blue sky as the sun rose and a new day had arrived.

She didn't know how long she'd been awake by now. She wasn't sure what day it was or what time it was, but she knew she was going home. She just didn't know if she really liked the idea of that.

Two nurses and a doctor had entered her room with her breakfast an hour later. It had been another hour before their multiple attempts to force nutrition into her had finally come to an end - by Regina throwing the plate against the wall. Now, after they'd cleaned up the splattered food and shattered glass, they were leading her down the long corridor, towards the front building of the hospital, where they would lead her out of the door and into a cap and home to Storybrooke.

Her gaze danced across the white walls. No pictures. No art. Nothing. They'd really gone out of their way to make this place look like the cleanest version of hell.

"Miss Mills?" a tentative male voice directed at her spoke up, and she turned towards the person who had spoken. It was a finely dressed chauffeur, gathering from his clothes, somewhere in his fifties, and Regina wondered if the hospital had personally assigned staff to make sure that grieving people like herself wouldn't run off and do something self-harming, but instead got dropped off safely to their respected homes. He had a kind face and his hair was as cold white as his eyes were warm brown.

Regina stared passively at the man, one eye-brow quirked so slightly that it was barely detectable.

"Miss Mills. I'm Steven Wilson. I'll be driving you to, er," the man paused and looked down at a sheet of paper that shook slightly in his hand, "Storybrooke. I'll be driving you to Storybrooke today. If you'll follow me then I'll show you to the car."

Regina didn't move.

Steven's eyes flickered nervously to the doctor beside Regina. He caught a glimpse of the doctor's hand wrapped firmly around her upper arm and it seemed to increase his apparent fear. An almost undetectable part inside Regina felt a slight pang of pride over the fact that even in this state, she was still able to scare people. The corner of her upper lip twitched.

She felt a squeeze around her arm and turned to look at the doctor.

"Go on, follow him. He'll take care of you from here."

Regina wanted to scream at him that she didn't need anyone to take care of her, but deep down she knew she did. So she looked back at Steven and offered him a small nod which he returned with a sudden warm smile and it melted some of the ice around the corners of her walls so she looked down.

"Do you need to use the restroom before we go?" Steven spoke up and Regina's head snapped up, the first real reaction she'd shown to anyone since the accident. It takes a certain absence of decent manners to ask a _grown woman _that question.

Before she could spit fire at him, the doctor lead her by her arm towards a grey door next to the main entrance and pushed it open for her.

"I'll be waiting out here for your return."

Regina's eyes narrowed slightly, which was nothing compared to the mental image of her deadly stare. She hated the way they were treating her, like a child or a mentally challenged patient. If she'd been back in Storybrooke with her magic intact she would have turned them all into human torches by now.

Nonetheless, she went into the restroom. After flushing the toilet she went to wash her hands, but stopped abruptly in her tracks and her mouth fell open when she saw herself in the mirror. She looked… broken.

She slowly reached up to touch her face tentatively, as if her skin would flake off if she wasn't gentle enough. The olive tone of her skin had faded to a cold grey. She blinked against the dryness of her red rimmed eyes. The usual warm chocolate color had darkened to an almost black and they'd lost the familiar sparkle of power and, after she'd met Emma, love. Her face looked swollen, especially around her eyes, and her hair was messy and sticky.

Regina exhaled deeply, realizing she'd been holding her breath.

She was vanishing.

She could practically see her figure going transparent right before her eyes.

She shivered.

It dawned on her that Steven's fear of her earlier had nothing to do with her eminent power. He wasn't afraid that she would hurt him. He was afraid that he would hurt her.

She made a sound of disgust. She had to get out of there. She couldn't stand to look at herself.

She turned around on her heel but the move was too fast for her exhausted body to follow and she saw stars before she stumbled and fell to the cold tile floor.


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N: Next chapter in this terribly painful journey I've taken you on! Please let me know what you think, your beautiful words mean the world to me. Much love, xo**_

* * *

Regina didn't wake up until an hour later, by a soft touch on her knee and a voice in the distance.

"Miss Mills? Miss Mills wake up."

Regina's eyes fluttered open but she quickly shut them again. Even though the light outside was getting dim from the day passing, it was too bright. When she blinked, it felt like sandpaper was scratching the insides of her eyelids.

"We're at a rest stop. I brought you a grilled cheese, I hope that's okay," Steven spoke up.

Regina stiffened. Grilled cheese. _Emma. _She swallowed hard.

"I don't want anything," she croaked silently and cleared her throat, which felt as dry as her eyes.

"Miss Mills, you really should eat."

Regina answered by finally opening up her eyes, wanting to glare at the man beside her, but when she looked into those warm, brown eyes, her expressing faltered and she sighed.

She nodded slightly.

Steven tried to hide his smile by pretending to scratch his chin, but he didn't fool Regina and it made her blood boil. She snatched the sandwich out of his hand and fixed him with a pointed stare to remind him that he was not to think of her as an injured animal. She could fend for herself, and she would. But she couldn't pretend like this man hadn't just seen her at her weakest and the thought made her shudder. She despised herself as much as she despised him for that fact.

The uncomfortable silence that followed as they ate made the air so thick you could practically feel it when inhaling, but Regina refused to let it get to her. She was using every bit of strength she had left to keep her facade up and intact. Even if she still felt queasy about being in the car. She just had to ignore the way her heart kept beating out of rhythm. And the way her palms were sweating. And the way her breathing kept hitching even when she tried to control it. She ate her grilled cheese even though every bite grew in her mouth and felt like an agonizing reminder of Emma turning over in her stomach. Beside her, Steven seemed particularly in thought and Regina wondered how long it would take for him to pass a line where there should be no passing and for her to smack him down in his attempt to do so.

Five minutes. She counted the ticks of the watch on his wrist.

"I don't mean to intrude, but in all my years of working for the hospital, I have never… You're in a lot of pain, Regina, pardon me, Miss Mills," Steven's voice was calm and collected, and somehow, even if it seemed impossible, warmer than before. Regina felt a tuck on her heart and a clink in her mask.

"My pain is none of your business, Mr. Wilson."

Regina could tell that her attitude caught him off guard, but she didn't care. They were nothing but strangers and she intended to keep it that way.

"My apologies, Miss Mills. I just thought maybe it would be good to ta- "

"You thought wrong," she snapped at him before he could finish his sentence, dreading where he might have been going. She wasn't ready. Not yet. Not ever.

Steven didn't make any further attempts at starting up a conversation with her, and if he had, Regina wouldn't have let him. She had just about had it with everyone cradling her as if she were to shatter into pieces if they said the wrong thing. She was Regina Mills for heaven's sake, Evil Queen, Mayor, Mother and god knows what else. She was not some poor little -

Regina stopped her train of thought. She sighed at her own denial. She had been all of that. And maybe some place deep down, she still was and still could be. But now… everything felt broken. She felt stripped from her soul, from herself. If she tried hard enough, like she was doing now, she could find her traits of regality and strength underneath all the… _pain. _

In all truth, Regina could only remember one previous time where she'd felt this weak. When she'd lost Daniel. And even that, she thought bitterly, couldn't compare to the way she was feeling now. Of all the pain and misery she'd experienced, of everything she'd had to endure, this was of another, darker sort. The pain she felt had tethered itself to the deepest creeks of her bones, the darkness of it tearing her apart from the inside out. It was as if she felt an artery breach by every passing minute. When it was quiet enough, she swore she could hear the silent pops.

So yes. Maybe she was just another poor little broken soul. But there was no way in hell she was going to give Steven the satisfaction of knowing that.

"We're about an hour away. You should try to sleep."

The sound of Steven's voice startled her a little. She'd halfway convinced herself that she'd silenced him forever. Unconsciously, she wrapped the jacket around her shoulders tighter to herself. When she remembered that it was Steven's, though, she discarded it to the backseat without flinching. Steven gave her a questioning side glance but remained silent. Regina leaned her head against the window but she didn't sleep. Instead she watched the sky outside. It was clear and full of stars. For a second she wondered how different this night would have been if it had been Emma in that driver's seat. She discarded the thought when her heart twisted and she clutched at her chest.

As they came closer to Storybooke, Regina thought for the first time about everyone else. All the blood drained from her face as she filled with dread. All she had been able to focus on was how she was going to survive her own pain. But what about everyone else's? How was she going to tell them? Mary Margaret and David? Henry? How was she going to tell her son that his mother was dead? She wasn't sure she could do it.

Once she told them, it would become reality. Emma would really be gone. She'd have to organize a funeral. She'd have to get back to her life and pretend like everything inside her wasn't dying.

She'd have to continue living.

She couldn't do that.

She couldn't live without Emma.

Suddenly the stars outside didn't shine so bright and the darkness seemed to have deepened. Regina felt all the panic she'd been suppressing rise to the surface with such force that she was powerless to stop it. She couldn't live without Emma. For such a long time she'd wanted her out of her life with such a passion she would have done anything to get rid of her. But now… now she would do anything to bring her back. All she'd been able to think about was that Emma was gone, Emma wasn't here anymore, not here to smile, or laugh, or spill cocoa down herself, or play with Henry, or cover her face in powdered sugar from donuts, and how utterly wrong and unfair that was. She hadn't given any thought as to how she herself was going to live on. She couldn't do that. How could she possibly do that? How was she supposed to mend Henry when she was nothing but a broken memory of what she'd been before the world was pulled out from beneath her feet?

How was she going to get up every morning knowing that not one of them would she wake up to Emma's beautiful face beside her? How was she going to… How?

"And here we are," Steven said quietly causing Regina to jump in her seat. That hour had gone by too fast.

They passed the sign at the border of the town. Her town.

It was nothing without Emma.

Nothing was anything without Emma.

Steven slowed the car as they neared the small streets of the town and Regina's heart was still pounding out of rhythm and she she was now trembling slightly. No. She wasn't going to let that happen again. She had to keep herself together. She blinked angrily against the tears forming in her eyes.

They reached Mary Margaret and David's apartment faster than she wanted them to. When Steven got out to talk to the driver of the hearse, Regina stayed rooted in her seat. What was she going to tell them?

She couldn't live without Emma.

She couldn't tell them.

She didn't want it to be real.

For a moment she considered getting out of the car to run, just run, far away from everything, far away from everyone, far away from every reminder that Emma was gone and she wasn't coming back.

She was never coming back.

Her car door opened.

"Ready to go inside?" Steven asked and offered his hand as he'd made a habit of doing.

Regina turned her head to look at him with an empty stare. She didn't think she would ever be ready to do what she was about to do. She never thought she'd have to.

Sensing her worry, Steven kneeled down before Regina and laid a hand on her shoulder.

"Hey. You're going to be fine. I'll be by your side the whole time."

Regina felt a pang of anger rush through her and she glared at him, suddenly jumping out of her seat and storming as best she could on her bandaged legs towards the front door of the apartment unit, her face contorting with every step.

"Didn't I tell you I'm not one of those poor people?" she barked over her shoulder where Steven stood stunned still beside the car.

When she reached the door, her momentary strength seeped from her like the air from a balloon.

She looked at it with big eyes as if it itself was what was going to destroy her here and now.

A shiver ran down her spine.

_Emma is dead, _she practiced in her mind. Nothing sounded more wrong than those three words in the same sentence and every syllable felt like ripping out the seams of her heart.

A hand grabbed her own in a firm grip.

She was never coming back.

Regina turned to face Steven, standing beside her with a soft smile. Every time she looked at him, she felt like he was looking right through her as if she was made of glass, and she hated it. She hated it so much. She wanted to pull her hand away from his, but her insides had turned to ice and she couldn't move.

Regina knew she looked terrified. She was certain he could hear her heart beat.

He nodded towards the door and gave her hand a tight squeeze. She swallowed.

She took one step. Then another. And another. And before she could change her mind, Steven had helped her up the stairs to the top of the hallway and they were now standing in front of Mary Margaret and David's apartment.

She was never coming back.

Regina didn't know if she should knock. She didn't even know if they knew she was coming. Maybe they already knew? A rush of hope ran through her. She decided it be best to knock.

She knocked three times. There was a flutter followed quickly by the sound of footsteps approaching. The door opened to reveal Mary Margaret. The pixie haired woman looked confused between Regina and Steven and her eyes widened when she took in Regina's appearance.

"Regina? What on earth happened to you? Are you okay? Where's Emma?"

"Hello," Regina spoke robotically and walked past Mary Margaret in the door, who closed the door behind them.

"I'm sorry, who are you?" the pixie haired woman said and looked to Steven.

"Steven Wilson," he said and smiled stiffly, offering a hand that Mary Margaret took with a suspicious stare.

"Regina, what happened?"

She was never coming back.

Regina opened her mouth to speak when David and Henry came into the room. They'd been playing a video game in what had become Henry's room at their apartment and came in still laughing. They stopped when they laid their eyes on Regina.

"Mom!" Henry gasped and ran to her. Regina felt her heart contract and she held her breath to keep from crying. Henry's eyes wandered over her with a terrified expression on his face.

"Mom, what happened to you?"

David came over, his expression matching Henry's.

"Regina? Regina what the hell happened on this trip? Where's Emma?"

"Yes, where's mom?" Henry said, his voice shaking slightly.

Regina croaked.

She was never coming back.

Steven came to her side before things got any further.

"I'm afraid we're here with bad news, Mr. and Mrs. Nolan. Would you mind sitting down?"

Regina was met by three confused pairs of eyes.

"Okay…" Mary Margaret said and padded over to the couch where both David and Henry joined her.

Steven squeezed Regina's shoulder and gave her a reassuring look.

"You just have to get it over with," he whispered and helped Regina off her chair.

She walked over to stand in front of the three people whose hearts she was about to break, every step feeling like her feet were nailed to the floor.

"Regina, what's going on?" David said with concern in his voice. He had Mary Margaret's hands in his. Regina wished he would take Henry's as well.

She was never coming back.

She stood there for a long moment, weighing her words. Every second that ticked by made her heart race faster, her breathing hitch harder. Her vision was going blurry from the constant threat of tears lingering in her eyes. She looked down at her hands. They were trembling furiously.

"There's been an accident," Regina said with as much strength in her voice as she could possibly muster. A single tear dropped from her eye and she looked up to see three terrified faces looking back at her.

"What are you talking about?" Mary Margaret asked.

Regina swallowed hard and her stomach flipped uncomfortably. She closed her eyes.

She was never coming back.

She didn't want it to be real.

It couldn't be real.

When she opened her eyes again, she met Henry's gaze. A sob escaped her mouth and she grimaced.

"Mom?" Henry spoke with a voice sounding much smaller than he really was.

Another sob escaped Regina's mouth and she was now trembling dangerously. She barely noticed Steven's arm around her shoulders.

"Emma…" Regina whispered but lost her voice in a cry. She closed her eyes tightly and bit her bottom lip painfully as memories of everything came flooding back and hit her like a freight train.

"Emma is dead," she croaked out and gasped after the air refused to enter her lungs.

Regina felt a flinch as her heart fell in her chest. She didn't open her eyes to look at them but she could feel the air shudder as each of their worlds collapsed around them as they took in what she had just said.

"W-what?" Mary Margaret stammered.

"She's… the car crashed. I couldn't save her… I couldn't…" Regina forced out between sobs and she fell to her knees, her legs unable to hold her. No one moved.

"No," she heard Henry whisper, his voice sounding angry, "No!" He was yelling now.

"NO!" he shot off the couch and ran to Regina, falling to his knees in front of her. He started shaking her, unaware of the pain he was causing to her broken bones.

"She's not dead! Mom! She can't be dead! MOM, look at me!"

Regina raised her head to meet his gaze, his pain mirrored in his eyes.

She reached up to stroke his cheek but he pulled away.

"No! Tell me she isn't dead. Tell me!"

"Henry…" Mary Margaret tried.

"NO!"

He rose from the floor and stared down at Regina.

"It's your fault. You were so obsessed with warning Robin. And now my mom is dead because of you!" Henry shouted, his voice trembling.

"Henry!" Mary Margaret cried and rose from the couch to approach him.

"NO! It's her fault. Everything bad that has ever happened in my life has always been her fault."

He ran across the room to the front door. He closed his hand around the doorknob, but before opening it, he turned, tears streaming down his face.

"I _hate _you."

His words were so filled with hatred Regina felt them burn holes through her heart like acid. Before she could say anything, he was out the door, slamming it behind him so hard the pictures on the walls shook.

Regina gagged, her sobs so hard they were nearly choking her, and she looked up to meet the faces of Mary Margaret and David.

David hadn't moved since she'd said anything. He sat perfectly still, staring at her with an almost empty expression. Mary Margaret was sitting on the couch with her face in her hands, sobbing.

Regina looked down at the floor, her head swimming.

"I'm sorry," she cried, "I'm so sorry."

She clutched at her chest. Every beat of her heart felt like her heart strings were snatching.

She continued to cry, sitting on the floor, and no one said anything, no one moved, until Steven grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her upright. He didn't do anything except place her on the couch beside Mary Margaret and David, where Regina fell into Mary Margaret's embrace, and they sobbed into each other's shoulder as David continued to stare, and after Steven slipped out of the room with the small click of the door closing, there was no sound but the wrenching cries of Regina and Mary Margaret and the sound of three hearts and three worlds crashing and burning.


	4. Chapter 4

**_In the honor of that horrendous abomination of an episode, I will treat you with yet another chapter. We're nearing the end though, so be prepared. I hope you'll like this chapter, and as always, I would love to hear what you think. You reviews really fuel my passion to keep writing. And no, I didn't enjoy writing Regina like this (maybe just a tiny little bit) Much love, xo._**

* * *

Regina turned over in her bed and moaned when her ribs throbbed. Her eyes were closed, but even if she were to open them, she wouldn't have seen much. The dark curtains covering every window in her room made it impossible to tell what time of the day it was. She'd also unplugged her alarm clock and her phone was off. She had shielded herself from the outside world as best as she possibly could.

She didn't know for how long she'd been lying in bed. The last time she'd seen what was behind her curtains was after she'd gotten home from Mary Margaret and David's apartment that night. She still couldn't remember how she got home. She hadn't talked to them since. Or Henry.

Regina let out a small cry. _Henry. _As far as she knew, her son now hated her more than he ever had. And on top of everything else, that was simply too much to handle.

She turned again. A silent tear slid down her cheek and left a wet spot on her silky pillow. It seemed all she did lately was cry. The only thing she got out of bed for was to go to the bathroom. And that was just on the other end of her room. Which reminded her of why she was even awake…

She swung her legs out from under the covers and put a hand to her forehead when everything spun around. The last thing she'd eaten was that grilled cheese. She still didn't know how long ago that was. She wasn't trying to starve herself. She just simply didn't feel hungry.

She rose to her feet slowly, gaining her balance, and ignored the ache in her broken bones before she moved unsteadily towards the bathroom on her bandage covered legs. The oversized shirt she'd been in ever since she got home fell loosely from her shoulders and covered her to just above the knees. It was Emma's. She didn't remember how she'd gotten it. She thought maybe she'd taken it from Emma's room in the apartment before she left, but she couldn't be sure. Everything was sort of a blur. The only reason she knew it was Emma's was because it smelled intoxicatingly like her. Not so much anymore after Regina had been sleeping in it for what was probably several days, but she was still able to imagine the scent of the blonde. Sometimes she swore she could even smell her in the air, as freshly as if she was in the room. Whenever that happened it left Regina curled up on her bed, sobbing. Most things did lately.

She avoided looking at her reflection in the mirror. She knew it wouldn't be a pretty sight. Much had happened since she'd left the hospital, and many days had passed. Already then, her reflection had terrified her to the very bone.

Regina padded back to bed and crawled under the covers. She covered her face half in silk and laid thinking as she always did. Sometimes, when the days got too lonely and it hurt too much, she would talk to her. She would have small conversations with Emma, imagining how she'd laugh all bubbly at something Regina said, and how she'd tease her when she was being prudy.

It helped. A little.

But mostly she just laid there, thinking. Day dreaming of how different it all could have been. Trying not to do anything stupid. And most of all, trying to glue her broken pieces back together.

A hard task when you had no glue.

There was a sudden and very subtle knock on the door. Regina stiffened and it hurt her ribs. Someone was here? Who was here? No one had come to see her even once. She half-way thought she could have been left alone forever.

That's what she'd hoped for, at least.

"Regina?" a tentative voice came from outside the door.

It was David.

What was David doing here? Last time she'd seen him he looked like he'd never speak again.

"Go away," Regina spoke up, her voice raspy.

David answered by opening the door.

Regina ignored his intrusion and laid perfectly still in bed.

"Jesus, Regina. When was the last time you opened a window in here?"

Regina didn't appreciate his judgmental tone.

"I don't know," she whispered, because it was true.

David had no intention of asking her permission when he pulled apart the curtains and what looked like the early afternoon sun shone in brightly and Regina burrowed her face in her pillow.

"Don't!"

"I'm letting some air in here."

"I don't like the sun."

David didn't say anything, but Regina could feel him staring at her.

The sound of the windows opening was yet another intrusion to the perfect prison Regina had built herself and soon the cool air filled the room and Regina felt like she was going to choke.

The bed gave away as David sat down on it.

"Regina?" he asked, softly this time.

Regina peered out from her pillow with one eye.

David looked terrible.

He obviously hadn't been sleeping, his eyes red rimmed and soggy. His face was stubbly from an unshaved beard and his skin looked ashen. It was like the male version of Regina's own reflection in the mirror that day at the hospital.

"You don't look too good yourself," David mused, the humor in his voice half-hearted. He tried with a smile, but Regina simply continued to stare at him with wide eyes.

He reached a hand forward for Regina's shoulder, but she jerked away.

"Regina…"

"I don't want you here. Get out."

"Regina, I'm just here to - "

"It's my house! I just want to be alone in my own god damn house!"

Regina's voice was getting shrill from screaming. Her blood was pounding uncomfortably in her ears.

"Just hear me out, please? Then I'll leave. Promised."

Regina was about to protest, but the days in bed away from sun and nutrition had left her too weak. She nodded.

David exhaled in relief.

"Thank you. So…"

He hesitated.

"We're planning Emma's funeral, " Regina could tell that saying those words hurt him as much as hearing them hurt her, "and we just wondered if you want to contribute with anything? We know how much you… What I'm trying to say is… You probably - "

"Yes, I loved her. Go on."

Regina could have sworn she saw a blush creep up David's neck but before she could make sure, it was gone.

"Yes. And therefore we think, Mary Margaret and I, I mean, that maybe you know something we don't. We've known her for the same amount of time as you know. But maybe you…"

"Are you asking me to help you arrange the funeral of your daughter, because you think I knew her better?"

David's face contorted.

"No. I mean yes, I guess partly. But mainly, we just thought you'd want to be a part of it. We're willing to leave everything behind us so we can get through this together."

Regina snorted.

"Gee, how generous of you."

David's face instantly changed to one of anger.

"Unless you don't care that is, in which case we're more than willing to let you rot in here on your own."

Regina shrunk under his words and looked at him with big eyes. He sighed.

"I'm sorry. My temper's a little… short these days."

Regina nodded.

"I understand."

Truth was, they probably understood each other better now than ever. Regina just wished more than anything that the reason behind it had been anything other than what it was.

"I'm sorry," Regina whispered, her voice suddenly so small.

David furrowed his brows.

"What for?"

Regina looked away, unable to meet his gaze.

"Everything. If it wasn't for me… if I hadn't…"

"Hey," David stopped her, reaching for her shoulder and this time Regina let him. He gave it a tight squeeze, "Don't. We all did things we're not proud of. We're giving you a second chance Regina. All we ask for is the same thing in return."

Regina's eyebrows hit her hairline.

"You… you want a second chance, from me?"

David nodded, indifferent to her surprise.

"Well, yes."

Regina thought for a long minute. She didn't want to leave her bed. She didn't want to deal with real life because that meant dealing with the fact that Emma was gone. But she felt so alone.

"Okay," she said, nodding, "I'll help with the funeral."

David beamed a smile so bright it startled Regina and when he lunged forward to hug her she did nothing but sit stiff in his arms.

"Thank you, Regina. Thank you so much."

Regina smiled tightly into his shoulder. When he pulled back, a little color had regained on his cheeks.

"Take your time to get on your feet again. Take a shower. _Eat _something. You look like you haven't eaten for days, Regina."

Regina blushed, almost feeling like a child being scolded by her father.

David rose from the bed and made his way for the door.

"Just meet us at the apartment when you're ready."

Regina nodded in response and blinked. She was really getting out of bed. She just had to get used to that thought. It seemed like centuries ago that she'd actually been outside or even done something slightly human.

"Oh, and Regina?"

She looked up to meet David's gaze.

"I'm sure Emma would have wanted this."

With that, he disappeared down the hallway and within the minute Regina heard her front door open and close. It took her another hour of crying into Emma's shirt before she gathered the strength to throw it over a chair and step into the shower.

* * *

The next couple of days organizing the funeral were painful, but it also felt good to do something productive, to somehow keep busy even if it was with the worst thing imaginable.

Regina was surprised at how easy it had been to work with the Charmings. They'd agreed on most things, and the minor disagreements they'd had were settled with a minimum of yelling.

Regina, of course, had won most of them. She'd also gotten a few of her own ideas through.

Emma's casket would be decorated with yellow and red roses. And with much effort she'd convinced Mary Margaret and David to have a quote written on Emma's tombstone: "The swan, like the soul of the poet, by the world is ill understood." There had been no disagreement on what Emma should be wearing. Red leather jacket. Tight denim jeans. White tank top. And her Sheriff's badge.

It had felt good, to do these things for Emma. Regina wanted nothing but the best for her, although she knew that nothing could really do Emma justice. All she could do was try. And if she was to say so herself, she'd done a good job.

Now came the hard part.

Attending the funeral itself.

Regina had been standing outside the church for half an hour, petrified to go in. The official funeral didn't start for another hour, but she was to be here to make sure everything was in order. She was dressed in a tight, black cocktail dress with lace embroidery at the seams. It was a closed jewel neckline, but the upper part of back was bare. Mary Margaret had helped her get into it, making sure the bandages around her ribs weren't visible. She wore short gloves. Because of her bad legs, she wore flat ballerina slippers. And because of her bald patch of hair, she'd been forced to wear a ridiculous looking hat with a black netted veil covering half of her face. With her she had a clutch which she'd decorated with silver rhine stones - in the form of a swan. Everything was in black except for her deep, red lips and the white cast on her arm and legs. This was the most dressed up Regina had been since she'd gotten back to Storybrooke and she felt oddly wrong, compared to how she'd usually feel in an attire like this.

She took a deep breath, noticing how she was shaking. She still walked unsteadily, and every step ached in different parts of her body. She knew she had to go in, before the Charmings came looking for her. She just needed a moment to unknot her stomach and throat.

Another five minutes passed before Regina pushed the church door open with much effort. Inside, the scent of roses hit her like a wall. In a small vase by each bench was a single red and yellow rose, next to each burned a small candle on a stand. On the aisle leading all the way from the door to where Emma's casket would stand was a garland of the same roses on each side. At the top, the garland moved in a circle around a big marble table, where the casket would be placed. Two tables stood behind the marble, on them stood an overwhelming amount of pictures. Pictures of Emma, of Henry, of them together, of Emma and her parents, Emma the day she got promoted to Sheriff, at the welcome back party, play sword fighting with Henry and David, with whipped cream on her upper lip and a coco in her hand, and so many others.

Regina walked up to the table and picked up one rather small picture, positioned in the center of all the others. It was the only picture ever taken of Emma and herself, from the evening where she'd had dinner with the whole family at Granny's diner. It wasn't a very personal picture, given that neither one of them had wanted to admit their feelings for one another. Nonetheless, to Regina it was beautiful and the most treasured thing she owned. They were in the middle of sharing a plate of fries that Emma, after much arguing, had convinced Regina to eat from. Both their hands were reaching for the plate as David had suddenly burst out a "Smile!" to which they'd both looked up. Emma's smile was cheeky, evidence of her victory in getting Regina to eat something that unhealthy, while Regina looked annoyed. But if you knew her well enough, you'd see the sparkle of adoration in her eyes. She remembered clearly how she'd wanted to poke Emma with a fry with ketchup on the end and kiss it off her face, and how much she'd had to resist the urge to do so.

Regina put the picture back and exhaled shakily. She was starting to feel the now so familiar rush of panic settle in her. She closed her eyes tightly and pinched the bridge of her nose in an attempt to stop from crying. The church filled with the echo of footsteps.

"There you are!" called Mary Margaret from the opening of a door on the left side of the church, "Come, we're in here."

Regina took the outstretched arm Mary Margaret offered her with some reluctance, and let the pixie haired woman help her walk. The room was small and didn't contain much else but a couple of chairs and some tables. David was sitting at one of them, hovering over some paperwork. At the far back of the room stood a large wooden box. It wasn't until they walked further into the room did Regina notice it wasn't a box. It was a casket. _An open casket._

Regina screeched and turned away, nausea overwhelming all her senses as she gasped after air.

"Regina, what's wrong?" asked both of the Charmings in concern.

Regina had her eyes closed, trying to force out the image now carved on the inside of her eyelids.

"I thought," she tried, but her voice died in her throat. She leaned against the wall and opened her eyes to fix David and Mary Margaret with a stare so torn between fear and anger it was impossible to tell which feeling was the dominant one.

"I thought we'd agreed it would be a _closed _casket," Regina managed to say, a crippling feeling making all the tiny hairs rise on her body. Both David and Mary Margaret shrunk a little at the sound of her voice.

There was a moment of silence before Mary Margaret spoke up.

"Yes, well… David and I agreed this would be better. That way the people who want to also get the opportunity to put something in the casket with Emma."

Regina groaned.

"I _told _you. I can't do that. I can't stand up there and talk while _seeing _her. I can't. It's too much. It's too painful."

"But this way people can get to say a proper goodbye."

"I already said goodbye. I said goodbye when I watched her bleed out right before of my eyes, " Regina croaked, clenching her shaking hands into fists.

Mary Margaret flinched.

"Regina, please…"

"No, no pleases. I know she's your daughter. I know you didn't get to tell her all the things you wanted to. But let me tell you something, I did. I did and it doesn't feel better. It doesn't matter how much you get to tell, when you know that no matter what you say, you can't stop it from happening," Regina was crying now.

The room fell silent, the only sound that of Regina sniffling. Mary Margaret was staring at her with a pale but determined face.

"I'm sorry, Regina. I am so sorry you had to go through that, but our decision stands. The casket will be open."

Regina growled something under her breath and kicked at a chair nearby, making both of them jump.

"_Fine! _Have it your way. I'll be in out here if you need me. There's no way I'm staying in here."

Regina turned on her heel and was about to exit the room when Mary Margaret's voice spoke up behind her again.

"For what it's worth Regina, I know everything about feeling powerless. I had my baby girl ripped out of my arms not ten seconds after she was born. I'm sure you remember. And now I will have to bury her after knowing her for less than four years. Don't think you're the only one in pain here."

The venom in Mary Margaret's voice turned Regina's blood to ice, and she stood still for a minute before exiting the room without a word, the lump in her throat so thick she felt like she was going to choke. She collapsed onto the bench in the front row and sobbed into her hands, not giving any thought to how her makeup left thick, black, stripes down her cheeks.


	5. Chapter 5

_**A/N: Hello beautiful people! Ready for another update? Because here goes! I would just like to say that I now consider this a continued story with multiple chapters, and no longer a sequel (not planned, no, but what can you do) This being said, the next chapter will be the last. So I very much hope you'll enjoy the last bit of this ride. As always, reviews are highly appreciated. Your words warm my heart and simply mean the world to me. Much love, regalfangirl.**_

* * *

The church was half full twenty minutes later, and Regina had spent all of two minutes trying to fix her makeup before giving up. She was out there now, among all the other people who'd come to mourn Emma.

Speaking of which…

The casket had been placed on the marble table, the roses had been placed and the lid was open. Regina did everything she could to avoid looking in there, at Emma. Which was why she'd stayed on the other side of the lid ever since they carried it in.

Everyone who entered the church carried flowers with them. Soon, the aisle was so full of bouquets and ribbons that they'd had to start placing them outside the church and around the chalky white facade. Everyone who entered also walked up to Mary Margaret and David offering them a hug and their condolences. No one had talked to Regina yet. They were probably confused as to why the Mayor was even standing there, a few meters away from the Charmings. As far as they knew, she hated Emma and loved Robin Hood.

Regina couldn't help but chuckle bitterly. That would change after her speech.

A speech she was dreading more than anything. The Charmings had practically _insisted _that Regina say a few words to or about Emma at the funeral, and in the end, Regina had caved and gave them what they wanted. She'd worked on the speech more than anything else concerning the funeral. And as the minutes passed, she regretted her decision more and more. There was no way she could hold this speech without breaking into tears. Which instantly meant that the entire town would see a whole new side to their Mayor. Something Regina didn't exactly appreciate.

The church was full by now. So full that people had found spots among the flowers on the floor where they could stand, since every bench was occupied. Except for the front bench on the left, where the Charmings and herself were supposed to sit. Now, only a small, handsome man was seated there in a tux and a bowtie.

_Henry_.

Regina still hadn't talked to him since she'd told them about Emma. She had no idea what to expect from him, but she wouldn't blame him if he didn't bat an eye at her.

When the church bells rang, David went to close the doors and they were supposed to take their seats. Regina swallowed hard and moved past the casket to sit down next to Henry. If she looked up now, she'd be able to see Emma's blonde locks. She hadn't dressed Emma herself, but she knew Mary Margaret had even curled Emma's hair.

Regina turned her head to avoid Emma and instead looked at Henry.

"Hey," she said and smiled softly.

Henry didn't react at first, but after a few moments he seemed to sigh reluctantly before meeting Regina's gaze.

"Hey," he said dryly.

Regina's heart skipped a beat. At least he was talking to her.

"How've you been?"

Henry shrugged.

"Not good. You?"

Regina's smile broke.

"Yeah. Me too."

This made Henry smile a little, unexpectedly.

They didn't say anything for a little while. In the mean time, the Charmings joined them on the bench.

"So…" Regina started, but trailed off.

"So," Henry said, his voice harsh.

Regina searched for something to ask him. She settled on just staying on topic.

"Did you choose anything to put… to put in the casket with Emma?"

Every time Regina said Emma's name, her heart throbbed uncomfortably in her chest.

Henry patted something big in his lap, something Regina hadn't noticed before. It was the storybook. Regina raised her brows.

"Really?" she asked, her voice cracking at the question.

Henry nodded without much emotion.

"It seemed like the right thing to choose," he whispered. Regina noticed the first sign of pain in his voice. She reached out her hand and squeezed his shoulder.

"I think you're right," she said encouragingly, her voice gathering some of the motherly warmth that seemed so unfamiliar under these circumstances.

Henry smiled.

"What about you?"

Regina looked down.

"It's not as special as yours, believe me," she said with a small but soft voice.

"Tell me," Henry said, almost sounding like his old self.

Regina sighed and reached under the seat to grab a bag she'd put there the day before. She placed it in Henry's lap and let him open it himself. He zipped it open and took out the one piece of garment inside. His face split in a smile so bright it took Regina off guard and she felt her heart clench.

"It's perfect," he said and beamed at her.

In his hands was the silver grey shirt Emma had "lent" all those years back, when Henry had taken it from Regina's closet for Emma to wear. Regina hadn't been sure what else to put in the casket, this being the only connecting object she had between the two.

"You really think so?" Regina said with the hopeful tone of a child.

"I really do," Henry said, and to Regina's surprise, he leaned forward and hugged her. She inhaled the smell of his hair. He still smelled like her little baby boy. She blinked against the tears rising in her eyes.

Their moment was interrupted by the loud, echoing sound of the organ playing. The ceremony was starting.

Regina's heart sank into the pit of her stomach and she reached for Henry's hand, unaware if it was for his or her own comfort.

The priest took his place on the high stand and started talking.

"I'm sure all of you here knew Emma Swan as a strong role model, as a hero, as a savior. And she was all of this, to all of us. But to some, she was much more…"

Regina's thoughts trailed off and she stopped listening. She was too occupied worrying about her own speech to listen to the priest's. And quite frankly, she had no interest in listening to some story this guy, who hadn't even known Emma, had cooked up. Instead she stared out the window, listening to the sound of her heart beating in her ears.

Her palms felt sweaty and she wondered if Henry noticed, but he seemed too occupied listening to the priest to pay attention to much else. Regina looked around her. So many faces, some she knew, but most she didn't. They were all crying. Where had all these people come from? Did Emma even know these people?

She caught sight of a little girl wearing a red leather jacket over her black dress, her father's arm wrapped around her as she cried silently. Unshed tears started burning in Regina's eyes. Emma had been a hero to more people than Regina was aware of.

She turned in her seat to look ahead again, only to see that the priest was no longer in his place. Instead Mary Margaret and David stood there, both crying and trying to get out the words they'd written down on the pieces of paper in David's shaking hands. Regina's breath caught in her throat. This meant Henry had to go on next. And afterwards, Regina herself.

She inhaled unsteadily.

She had less than ten minutes to gather the strength she no longer possessed.

Regina strained her ears, trying to pay attention to what was being said instead of what was going on in her head. Without success.

The minutes ticked by agonizingly slowly but flew by way too fast.

Regina watched Henry fiddle with his notes, trying to seem like a brave boy. Regina knew he was brave. But he was also still just a boy. Her boy, Emma's boy. Neal's boy. And no boy should have to put his parents into the ground at the age of 14. The only parent Henry had left now was Regina herself. That thought ran cold down her spine. She'd raised him on her own, it had always been just the two of them. But how was she supposed to keep him upright, teach him, guide him through his pain, when her own was so strong she wasn't sure if _she_was going to get through it?

Muffled sobs echoed through the church as Henry went on, making everyone more and more emotional. He was crying too now, as he struggled to get his words out. Regina watched wide-eyed, nailed to her seat by panic. She wasn't sure if Henry would want her to get up there and hold his hand. Maybe he wanted to seem strong for himself. But maybe he'd hate her for leaving him to himself…

Before Regina had time to make a decision, Henry suddenly folded his notes back into the pocket of his suit jacket and sat back down next to her. She gasped. She could feel several dozens of eyes staring at her, waiting. The priest must have announced who would be talking today. Regina didn't move. She felt frozen.

It felt like minutes passed before Mary Margaret gently poked Regina with her elbow and signaled for her to get up there. Regina swallowed hard but it made no difference on the tightness of her throat. She felt a hand curl over her own.

"Mom?" Henry's voice was soft.

Regina turned to look at him.

"What if they won't like what I have to say?"

Henry tilted his head to the side, his features suddenly gaining a maturity Regina hadn't noticed before.

"No one in this town hates you anymore, mom."

Regina looked down on their tangled hands.

"You do," she whispered.

Henry blew air out of his nose in the smallest gesture of a laugh.

"I could never hate you."

"You said you did."

"I was… hurt. Confused. Angry. You of all people should know how it feels to lose yourself in your pain."

Regina looked into the face of her boy, stunned by the wisdom of his words. His eyes were so strong, his lips drawn in a small smile. Maybe he wasn't her little boy anymore. In that moment, Henry was the one doing the guiding. He was giving Regina the strength she needed. And as much as it pained her that she was unable to do that for him, when he should have needed it more, she knew she needed it.

Maybe they could get through this, together.

Regina nodded.

Henry squeezed Regina's hand as she grabbed the silver shirt and got up from the bench. With slow, cautious steps, she made it to her place. Taking a deep breath, she turned around.

Regina was met by more faces than she could count, all staring at her. She felt her blood turn to ice and she shivered. They were all waiting for her to begin. She felt like she'd swallowed her voice. She opened her mouth, closed it, shook her head a little, opened it, croaked something unrecognizable as words and looked down.

_Come on, pull it together._

She straightened her back and winced against the pain in her ribs.

With one hand, she fumbled to open the clutch strung over her shoulder. Out of it, she pulled her notes. They were crumbled from being in the tight space. She smoothed them on the small table in front of her. _You can do this. For Emma. _She looked out on the crowd again, her expression determined.

"Emma Swan."

Regina's voice rang through the church and bounced off all the walls, making Emma's name echo through the air.

"She was my friend. I know most of you weren't aware of this fact, but she was. She was the birthmother of my son. And for a long time, I wanted her out of my life for that simple fact."

Regina trailed off. She noticed how the expressions of the people in the church had changed from confused to angry. She cleared her throat. _This is not a speech for the city council._

"Move on!" someone in the crowd roared.

Regina dropped her jaw.

"I'm sorry…"

She looked down. This wasn't going as well as she'd hoped. How was she going to make a crowd of people she'd once tormented listen to her? She looked at her notes. This wasn't the way.

"This speech here?" she suddenly burst out, holding it in the air, "It's crap."

Everyone in the church gasped.

"Yes, it's crap. I wrote this like I've written any other speech. Which is why I'm not going to read another word from it." Regina crumbled the papers in her hand and threw them to the side, the sheets floating around randomly before landing on the ground with a soft flutter.

"Emma…" she said, her voice softer. Regina closed her eyes, trying to fight the pain she felt whenever she said the blonde's name. But maybe that was exactly what she needed in order to do this the right way.

"She liked yellow," Regina whispered, raising her head to look at the crowd, a small smile gracing her lips, "Like her hair. And her eyes… Such bright, beautiful green eyes. She loved greasy food. Bear claws and grilled cheese. She owned more leather jackets than any sensible person ever should. And she drove this horrible, old bug, I never understood how it was still going. But she loved it. She liked dream catchers. I think she might have had a talent of making them, but she never told me. She had humor. She always brought the life to any event. She was really such a… dork. Even if she liked to appear strong and serious."

Regina chuckled slightly at her memories.

"Emma was such an idiot."

Regina's smile had grown now, and some of the people in the crowd even chuckled with her.

"She loved her son. She loved him so much. He was her favorite thing in the whole world, maybe except for hot cocoa with cinnamon."

Regina's eyes met Henry's to see he was smiling brightly, tears lingering in his eyes.

"Emma was… Emma was special. And what made her so special was that she could make you feel special yourself. She could pick at your flaws and show you why they too, are beautiful parts of what makes you, you. Which is what made her so beautiful herself. She was such a beautiful person. She didn't think so herself, I'm not even sure she thought anyone else did, but she was."

Regina couldn't stop the tears from trailing down her cheeks.

"She endured too much rejection in her life. So much that she thought that was the only thing she deserved. But she deserved so much more. She deserved love. She deserved everything."

Regina let out a small sob. Her lips were trembling and her mind was racing but she had to go on.

She had a hard time making out the crowd of blurry faces, but she could tell that most of them were crying. And most of them, probably all of them, were unaware of where Regina was going with this.

"I didn't get to tell her until it was too late…"

She tightened her jaw. She looked to every section of faces, making eye contact with as many as she could.

"But Emma swan…"

She took a deep breath.

"Emma Swan was the love of my life."

The collective gasp that echoed through the church told her that had had the exact effect she'd expected.

"I was too scared to admit it to myself. And when I finally did, I was too scared to admit it to her."

Regina was trembling dangerously now, and she had to hold on to the table to keep herself upright.

"And now, here we are… I got to spend the last moments of Emma's life with her. The last thing she said was my name. I still hear it in my mind sometimes. In my dreams, it haunts me. There is so much pain, so much regret. But it's all worth it. It's all worth it because even if I won't ever see her face again or hear her voice, even if have to live the rest of my life without her, I will live that life knowing that she loved me too. And to know that I was loved by her, by Emma Swan, by the beautiful person she was, that is the greatest gift I could ever ask for."

Regina's face contorted as she tried to hold back a sob but failed. She held a hand to her ribs as they throbbed against every crying breath she took. She just had to hold on a little longer.

She looked up to see everyone crying, but they weren't crying for Emma anymore. They were crying for her. For them. And for the story she was telling them.

She inhaled unsteadily.

"Emma wanted me to live my life. And as much as I don't like taking orders, this is one I will do my best to follow."

Without thinking, Regina started walking towards the casket. She still hadn't looked at Emma. But she was going to. She had to. Even though it terrified her to her very bone.

Regina gasped slightly when she laid her eyes on Emma. She was pale. So pale and so still. But her hair shone the same bright color of the sun it always had. And if Regina wasn't mistaking, a soft smile graced her lips.

Regina laughed. She didn't know why and she knew it was highly inappropriate, but she did. She laughed loud and carefree, the sound cracking unsteadily through her sobs.

She knew she wasn't supposed to. But she reached a hand into the casket and trailed a hand through Emma's hair. It was so soft, every strand feeling like silk dancing across Regina's fingers. She inhaled sharply before leaning down. For a moment, her lips lingered over Emma's face, some part of her expecting the same warmth to radiate off the blonde. But there was none. She pressed her lips softly against Emma's cold forehead.

"I love you, Emma."

She didn't take her eyes off Emma's face when she placed the silver shirt still in her hand beside the soft, blonde locks.

"Enjoy my shirt," she whispered, a wry smile playing on her lips.

Regina took one last look at the breathtaking love of her life. She took in every detail, every dip and every curve. She ran her hands over the leather jacket. She curled her fingers around Emma's for a short moment. And then she closed the lid.

"Goodbye, you beautiful idiot."

When Regina turned around, the entire crowd was staring at her with wide eyes, sobbing. She didn't know what to do now. She'd said what she wanted to. And now everyone was looking at her like she was a creature unknown to them who'd just fallen out of a hole in the sky. But somehow, someway, she didn't feel vulnerable under their stares. She felt stronger. She'd said goodbye. Now it was time to let Emma rest in peace.

"Let's carry her out," Regina said softly and turned to her family.

Nothing more needed to be said before and Mary Margaret, David and Henry came to her side, all of them with red eyes and puffy cheeks. Without a word, they engulfed her in a tight hug. At first she wanted to resist, but the warmth of their embrace softened her stiff muscles and she wrapped her arms around them, resting her head on Henry's shoulder.

"Thank you," she heard Mary Margaret and David say in unison. She looked up to meet their gaze, the expression on their faces one of such awe Regina felt her heart swell.

She simply nodded, unsure of what else to do.

They let go of each other and stepped over to each side of the casket, Regina and Henry on the right, Mary Margaret and David on the left. They'd arranged for two men from the church staff to help carry the casket, who now took their places. Regina had insisted she'd help carry Emma out to the cemetery even in her fragile physical condition. She grabbed the handle tightly with her left hand and made sure she found her balance before nodding to David, who then nodded to the organ player and the melancholic music filled the air once again. They lifted Emma off the marble table and started walking.

Regina had almost thought she'd made it out of there without crying any further. But walking down the aisle, passing the hundreds of flowers people brought, watching the dozens of people cry for Emma, listening to the deep notes of the organ, hot tears spilled silently down her cheeks again and dripped onto her chest. This was it. This was really it.

Every step she took felt like another step into her own grave. Like she was saying goodbye not only to Emma, but to herself.

How was she supposed to go on from here? There was nothing more to do once they put Emma in the ground. Nothing more than to move on. Or at least try to.

Emma was gone.

She really was gone.

It all seemed so surreal, even now. Regina somehow still thought it was all just a terrible dream, and that she would wake up any moment.

A faint whisper sounded right next to Regina's ear and she swept her head around to see who was there, but only Henry was walking behind her, carrying his weight of the casket.

Regina turned her head again, furrowing her eyebrows. It had probably just been the wind.

"Regina!"

She jumped at the sound of her own name and started looking in all directions for whoever was calling out to her. All she saw was mourning people with tears on their cheeks.

"REGINA!"

The voice echoed intensely inside her mind and she whipped her head around, her breathing hitched and unsteady. Where was it coming from?

"REGINA!"

Regina's eyes darted frantically across every corner of the room, trying to locate whoever was calling her name, but everyone was as quiet as the night.

"Regina, wake up!"

Regina felt an unexplainable pull, like air was seeping through her veins, tethering itself to her and lifting her upwards. Her head was swimming and she felt dizzy.

"Regina please, wake up."

All the blood drained from Regina's face. Was that Emma? No, it couldn't be.

"Regina, god damn it Regina wake up! Come on."

That _was_ Emma.

Regina's heartbeat raced to an inhuman speed and she felt it leap into her throat so hard she thought it was gonna fall out and drop onto the floor.

"Regina, come back to me, please."

Emma's voice was getting unnaturally strong, like she was standing right by Regina. Was she going mad?

"God you stubborn woman, listen to me! Wake up!"

Regina felt a sudden warmth on her face, like someone was cupping her cheeks with their hands.

"REGINA!"

Emma's voice was so loud it startled Regina and before she prevent it from happening, she stumbled over a bouquet on the aisle and hit the ground face first.

There was a bright light before everything went black.

Every nerve end in Regina's body was vibrating, her senses coming alive so rapidly she felt like she was going to pass out from all the inputs. She hit consciousness with a gasp so hard it burned her lungs.

"Regina?"

Emma's voice was as clear as daylight now and Regina felt the warm breath on her face.

"Regina? Can you hear me?"

Regina opened her eyes. Hovering over her was Emma with bloodstains on her face, emerald eyes wide and full of tears, her expression terrified.

"Emma?..."


	6. Chapter 6

_**A/N: And here we are, the last chapter of this painful ride. I hope you've enjoyed reading this as much as I've enjoyed writing it. **_**_Thank you so much to everyone who has followed, faved and reviewed this story. Your support means more than I could ever say. I hope you will be here for my upcoming work. Much love, xo._**

* * *

****EPILOQUE****

The smell of freshly brewed coffee and burned pancakes filled Regina's nostrils as she tip-toed down the stairs of the mansion. She'd heard Emma get up and leave the bedroom an hour ago, but Regina had wanted to give the blonde a chance to surprise her. When she heard Emma exclaim a loud "Damn it!" though, she'd decided to rescue the blonde before she burned down the kitchen.

"Everything alright, dear?" Regina mused, leaning against the doorframe to the kitchen trying to hide her bright smile.

"The stove is too hot!" Emma yelled, her eyes big and panicky as she put aside another black pancake.

Regina chuckled deep in her throat.

"Haven't I told you not to venture down here and push your luck?"

Emma pouted and turned off the stove.

"I just wanted to surprise you with breakfast in bed…"

Regina walked over to the blonde and wrapped her arm around her from behind.

"It wouldn't have been much of a surprise. I could smell it all the way upstairs."

Emma gasped and pulled away from Regina's embrace.

"You're mean!"

Regina threw her head back laughing.

"And you're an idiot."

She leaned forward and caught Emma's lips with her own before the blonde could protest. Regina let her tongue dart over Emma's lower lip and it awarded her with a husky moan coming from deep within the blonde's throat. Regina breathed hotly against Emma's lips, feeling the effects herself.

"You're also evil," Emma mumbled against Regina's plump lips and both women chuckled.

"Can you forgive me?" Regina mused and trailed wet kisses down Emma's neck.

Emma groaned.

"Fine. But only because it's our anniversary."

Regina was satisfied with that answer and pulled back to look into Emma's bright eyes. The scar above one blonde eyebrow had harshened her face a little, but she still beamed in a way that made Regina weak in the knees. She couldn't help the wide smile that spread on her face.

"Happy one year anniversary," Regina whispered, her voice a mix of awe and gratitude.

"Happy one year anniversary, babe" Emma said back with a smile matching Regina's, before catching the brunette's lips in a kiss again.

Some days, Regina would wake up in Emma's arms, still unable to believe it was real. She'd look at Emma's peaceful sleeping face before waking her up with a kiss, reveling in the husky sound of Emma's morning voice as she wished her good morning.

After the accident, the two of them had finally been able to, as Emma had so bluntly put it, "get their shit together and finally be honest with each other." They'd been lucky, so beyond lucky. Their cuts and bruises had been minimal, and after all, bones grew back together. Regina hadn't told Emma about the world she'd been living in while she was unconscious, where she'd lost Emma to death and herself to grief, before two months had passed. It had taken Regina another four months plus a decent amount of therapy to stop waking up in the middle of the night in a pool of sweat, checking to see if Emma was still beside her, alive, breathing, with her.

Oddly enough, the tragedy they'd endured together had brought them closer than ever. They'd both had the immediate urge to tell the other how they really felt, terrified that they might not get another chance. And to both their surprise, their feelings had been mutual.

Emma had moved in one month after the accident.

Even though, to everyone else, it seemed rushed and uncalled for, to Emma and Regina it felt right, perfect, like the only logical thing to do. Neither one of them wanted to waste another moment apart, not after wasting so many walking around lying to each other and themselves. Everyone had gotten used to it after a little while. Henry had been ecstatic when they'd told him.

And today, they were celebrating their first year together as a couple. Not with those burned pancakes of Emma's though, that was for sure.

"Why don't I cook us something?" Regina asked, nodding towards the still smoking clump of black lying on the frying pan. Emma's smile faded, and she looked at Regina with big eyes.

"You don't want to try my pancakes?" the blonde said, her voice small.

"Oh stop it!" Regina laughed and swatted Emma's arm, which made the blonde break her fake pout and kiss Regina all over her face. Regina squealed and wiggled to escape, but Emma held her tight around her middle.

"Oh no you don't," Emma chuckled against Regina's cheek before blowing raspberries, which only made the brunette laugh louder. When Emma finally stopped, their laughter died down slowly.

Emma looked at Regina, tilting her head. Regina furrowed her brows.

"What is it?" she asked, concern edged around her voice.

Emma smiled contently. She reached a hand up and brushed a few stray strands of hair back behind Regina's ear.

"I just love you so much."

Regina blushed.

"I love you too," she said breathlessly.

Their gazes locked hard as they looked at each other for a long while. Emma suddenly leaned in, her lips close to Regina's ear.

"We're really cheesy," she whispered.

Regina laughed, kissing Emma's cheek.

"Speak for yourself."

Emma beamed at her like a proud child and Regina simply shook her head at the blonde, turning to the stove.

"Now, how about some edible pancakes?"


End file.
